| Are you single? Are you always being questioned about when you are going to get married? Are you separated or divorced and now feel that you just do not ‘fit’? Have you taken a conscious decision to be single and celibate? Angela Purkiss takes us on a journey to examine and challenge the attitudes and ideas on the subject of being single.
In the 1990’s statistics told us that approximately 33% of the population of Britain lived alone. Some long-term predictions suggest that by 2025 as many as 50% of the population will be living alone. A survey by the Evangelical Alliance in the 1990’s recorded similar numbers of single people attending Christian churches nationwide. Figures from the Seventh day Adventist Church in Britain also demonstrate similar levels of single people within our congregations.
What conclusions can we draw from this information? If a third of our church membership is single, isn’t it a simple deduction that two thirds are not? Are single people simply those who have not yet found a partner, those who are suffering from low self-esteem? Should we see them as different with real and varied needs? What exactly is ‘The Single Issue?’
A single person can be any age or at any stage in their life. We tend to see single people as those who have never been married. Increasingly however, our churches must recognise that included in this group are those who were once married and have lost their spouse by death, divorce or separation.
Attitudes to singleness in Society
In a recent article in the Observer Newspaper, Neasa MacErlean writes, “we are in the midst of a huge increase in housing demand by single people…… All the demographic and social trends are pointing this way – greater longevity; the postponement of marriage; the greater acceptability of being single and childless; higher divorce rates; a greater acceptance of gays and lesbians; and rising standards of living.
Society is beginning to accept a move away from the traditional and accepted living patterns. As such, policy makers are taking into consideration the social trends that influence policies, for example in determining housing needs and health care provisions.
Attitudes to singleness in the Church
For many, singleness is seen as the stage before ‘settling down’. This has been the case for generations as traditionally young people would either pursue higher education or find suitable employment before getting married. This view is widely held both in the Church and in society.
Whilst it has become acceptable for people to co-habit or form gay and lesbian relationships in society, the Christian Church has largely remained true to the Biblical principles that such lifestyle choices are not in keeping with the laws of God.
Singleness and celibacy do however find favour in the Bible. Sadly, however, for the single person within the church, this is very rarely the case. Singleness is acceptable if caused by bereavement and may be tolerated by some in the case of divorce, but many see the single person over thirty as something of a misfit. Where I live our church is currently engaged in the very important work of supporting the family, be it by pre-marital counselling, crisis management where necessary and various ministries aimed at different parts of our church family. Currently, this does not include a nationwide ministry for single people.
Initiatives undertaken by Family Ministries leaders have frequently met with opposition and little success. Some of the reasons for this include a lack of confidence in the ability of a married person to plan a relevant programme for the needs of single people.
Biblical perspectives
As Christians, our study of the life of Christ can quite reasonably focus on His healing ministry, His preaching and teaching, His strength and humility in the face of adversity and many other areas of His life. How many times however do we see Jesus as a single man over the age of thirty in a culture where people tended to marry in their teenage years? A man who interacted freely with males and females but never had a personal intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex? However, this was the reality. Jesus was like one of us. He knew the same feelings of loneliness and isolation, He “understands our weaknesses, since He had the same temptations we do, though He never once gave away to them and sinned” (Hebrews 4:15 Living Bible).
In Matthew 19:11-12, Jesus accepts that the concept of remaining single would not be palatable to everyone, but that those who could accept it, should accept it. Singleness therefore, is not a consolation prize, a state to be pitied but a valid alternative.
The Living Bible paraphrases the familiar words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:7 like this: “I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of a husband or wife, and others he gives the gift of being able to stay happily married.”
Just as Jesus and Paul who were single men and Anna the prophetess, who was widowed after only seven years of marriage, fulfilled the plan that God had for their lives, so too can single people today. As our churches welcome individuals from different backgrounds, both married and single, our emphasis should be on fulfilling goals, finishing our ”course” and building the most important relationship of all, with Jesus Christ.
A ministry for singles?
Someone once commented, “I do not see you as single”, to which my response was, “Then how do you see me?” Sometimes in an attempt to put singleness into perspective within our churches, members choose to ignore singleness as an issue and by so doing, deny the very real and varied needs of single people.
Singleness is not a disease. There are millions of single adults in the world and many will remain that way. These people face the same struggles and pressures as married people, but also some very different challenges. In order for us to cater adequately for the needs of each group, honest and open discussion of the similarities and differences needs to take place.
Frequently we hear different groups within the church making the statement, “the Church should……” before outlining a particular grievance. It is important that as a Church, we recognise the need for a culture change.
In the Christian context, the single, celibate lifestyle is a valid alternative and should be respected by the church and individuals who may have made different lifestyle choices.
Single people are significant and the church should harness their individual abilities.
Single people do need a ministry run by single people to address their specific needs. Marriage does not make an individual complete, wholeness and completeness only come from God.
Our journey through life will take us through many experiences. For some, that will include marriage; for others it will not. When we come to God, we bring our different fears, hopes, dreams and aspirations. Married or single, we come to Him individually.
Both married and single states are gifts from God given to enhance our service to others and to Him.
“He has showed you, O man what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8 RSV) – That is the single issue. | 
